Sigh. What a rollercoaster of emotions all this is. The receptionist called me back indicating that she scheduled me for an appointment on the 21st.
Now let’s just hope that the follies cooperate and hold on to their little eggs until CD18… at least.
A message today from the clinic:
“Oh hi, I just got word that the doctor will not be in on the day of your appointment this month, July 18th. Actually, looks like he won’t be back until the 21st which is probably too late for your midcycle appointment. So, I have cancelled your appointment and, yep, we’ll just have to cancel for this month.”
My response:
“Hi, I just got your message. I’d really like to meet with the doctor on the 21st. My cycles lately have been 35 days so meeting him on day 18 shouldn’t be too late. I don’t want to miss another month since I was away last month. Please let me know. Thank you!”
At the mercy of a clinic. Frustrated. Desperate. Angry. Hopeless.
That’s how I’m feeling right now as I wait for her to call me back.
Three queer TTCers announced their pregnancies this week! Congratulations ladies! These fireworks are for you (well, actually, they are for Canada Day which we celebrated yesterday).
CD35. Still waiting on my period so that I can call and schedule the next mid-cycle appointment. I’m bloated beyond all recognition. I’m putting on some TTC stress weight and that just compounds the bloat.
One last try with unknown donor numero uno before I waddle over to the drawing board and revisit our selection.
I wonder if Clay Aiken will send me some of his sperm.
We’re back. This is a photo I took of our friend enjoying the view from the villa we rented in Tuscany. We had a great trip and if I could be on a permanent vacation, that would be preferable.
Prone to melancholy already, I am feeling particularly down today. I don’t know what of these things is making me the most grey:
It’s good to count those things I’m grateful for when I’m in this kind of sorry state. So here are seven to match the sad notes above:
I will be offline for a couple of weeks. When I get back, I hope to find news of several new BFPs - you hear me out there, uteri of the blogosphere!?
We’ll be back on the TTC train in mid-July. See you then!
******* ******
Client Relations Specialist
Xyt.ex Corporation”
My mind is slightly more at ease about our chosen donor even though I thought the response from the bank was rather curt and unfriendly. When our third and last vial of this donor is used, we’re switching to someone who has had a reported pregnancy.
It’s a blood test of a different kind. The kind where my period starts two days early and I’m tested to see if I can endure the disappointment of another BFN.
Late last night:
M was on the phone with our NYC friend - the one we’re meeting in Italy. I went to pee. Wiped. Blood. No mistaking, it was my period - two days early. My friend asked M about our try this time, I heard M talking hopefully about my symptoms this week. I shout down from upstairs, “I just started my period.” I slink into bed with the dogs and I hear M saying her goodbyes on the phone. M comes upstairs with a half-smile holding a consolation prize. It’s no pregnancy, it’s no baby, but it’s a beautiful bracelet and the only jewellery she ever bought me. It was mine despite the outcome this month, it was thoughtful. We talked and I whimpered. The dogs looked at me the way they always do when I’m crying as if they don’t understand the tears, and then they cuddled up next to me. We all laid in a big family cuddle for a while.
Then, as M laid in bed and continued on with her book - Naomi Wolf’s Misconceptions, I started to think:
I called in sick today. I have a huge cup of caffeinated coffee next to me, there’s a massaging heat pad on my lower back, last night’s Daily Show is paused on my PVR, and the dogs are curled up next to one another asleep again. I’ll sit here for a while before I pick myself up, dust myself off and do something to take my mind off of this baby stuff. I have until mid-July before I start thinking about conceiving again.
In the meantime, I am wishing a more fruitful outcome for the other ladies who are testing this week. Some might wish you baby dust, I wish you a baby blizzard.
I have to laugh at myself. I plug every conceivable (pun intended) symptom into a certain search engine: “Oily hair before BFP”, “Mild cramps before BFP”. What’s amazing is that every symptom seems to be a symptom of pregnancy. Behold the almighty internet - connecting TTCing women with post-BFP women and reinforcing our obsessiveness. (Edited to add: Another weird symptom that I found other women have experienced pre-BFP is sore stomach muscles. I feel as though I did sit-ups and, believe me, I didn’t.)
So, those are my symptoms. I noticed unusually flat, limp, oily hair on my head these past couple of days. I chalked it up to the wind or a new shampoo we’re using and really didn’t think it was a symptom until I found women on the internet who named it as one. I’ve also been feeling mild cramps in my ute these past several days. This is common for me pre-AF so I didn’t get too excited (quite the opposite) but then I went online and found it to be a pretty common early pregnancy symptom. I wish the symptoms for BFP and AF weren’t so similar!
My period is due on Saturday and I was going to wait until then to test. But, I think I’m going to do it on Friday with that pink test that tells you days in advance. Oh wise ones of the internet community - what do you think? Test Friday or wait until Saturday?
In other news, I’m a bit concerned about these new vials that our donor supply shop is offering. So, I wrote to enquire:
“Hi *****,
I see that Xyte.x is now offering A.RT vials for IVF (specimens with lesser sperm count and motility). I also noticed that the donor we chose only has ART vials available. Does that mean that the vials we purchased a couple of months ago could now qualify as ART vials? I see our donor doesn’t have a confirmed pregnancy and I’m wondering if his specimen was later determined to not be suitable/effective for IUI.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
K”
Stay tuned for their response.
No symptoms of pregnancy.
No symptoms means no hope. Right?
Today my boobs are tender, but it’s a week before AF is due and that’s normal for me. Wearing my denial hat (it’s more of a sombrero), I hoped it wasn’t and that maybe sore boobs was a sign. I asked M when my I usually start to get sore. The wrong (but true) answer was, “A week before your period starts.” Dammit.
I’m really not getting my hopes up this month (but deep down a part of me is still very hopeful, you know?). The up side of a BFN is that I’ll be able to enjoy the red wines of Tuscany and not start worrying about my first-trimester tadpole as I fly across the ocean. The down side is that we’ll have to wait until JULY to try again.
Actually, the down side is that we’ll have to try again. Period.
When I’m in a TWW, I’m a better person. I’m more patient, I’m calmer, I perform random acts of kindness, I give that extra dollar to charity when I’m asked by a teller to donate (such as I did today when we went to see Baby Mama).
When I’m in a TWW, I’m a more superstitious person. In actuality, I see myself as a strident realist - one of those people who thinks that life ends at death, one of those people who doesn’t “believe in” praying or tarot cards or astrology or Magic 8 Balls. But, in a TWW, I flirt with superstition and luck. And, although I do so knowingly out of desperation, I allow myself the indulgence. Since we’ve begun TTC, I’ve immersed myself in the Cult of the Uterus and I bought this cute idol from etsy.com to worship:
She’s perfectly suited to travel with me and was sent along with a lovely note of conception wishes from her maker. She’s my good luck charm.
